I salute magpies if I see them in the park when I’m running,
But if another person is there
I’ll turn the salute into a tuck of my hair
So that I don’t look weird.
I do realise that both these actions are irrational.
Saluting magpies is not an uncommon affectation
And the magpies are probably not sticklers for protocol.
But if they are, then hiding the salute from the humans
May well be also hiding it from the magpies,
Which could pose a problem if they did turn out to be
Inclined to vengeance.
But we do the things that keep us going.
I take pictures to prove the cooker’s off
And the windows are closed and the doors are locked.
I find it is quicker than checking and rechecking.
This has always left me with an element of doubt
And the photos make for a faster exit to the house.
But sometimes my phone will make a montage
And when looking at a carousel
Of unplugged sockets set to music,
I am forced to confront the fact that possibly
My coping mechanisms have become
A part of the problem.
Still, we do the things that keep us going.
I think that balance might be not letting the things you do
To feel in control take control.
As an anxious person I cannot claim that the fear of my own fault
Does not, at times, grind me to a halt, but what I can say
Is that, despite very often getting in my own way,
I’ve survived all my fuck ups so far.
And mostly the things that have gone wrong
Have not been the ones that I’ve fixated on.
So I question my fears
And imperfectly, often nervously, carry on.
Although, of course, my ability to do so might ultimately
Rely on the continued benevolence of the magpies.
Hannah Going
April 2024
Hannah Going - Concerns 